The Daily Demise
Philadelphia holds the collective of sorrow and sensationalized promise; they are intertwined in conflict. The ideal is conflicting with the unfair. It’s a war my dad has fought my entire life. His anxiety has always been unmistakable, evident in his due diligence to overprotect. It was never uncommon to view his vehicle; windows up, seat cocked back, engine running. I would arrive from my underground commutes after a late work day. Sure enough, the 35-year policeman who has seen way too much would be waiting to drive me… three blocks to the house. Even then, I knew I was a blessed man. It was almost embarrassing.
When I finally relocated to Jersey, his eyes said everything; he was overjoyed, he fought the good fight. He would come over to my new crib, no furniture whatsoever. And he’d sit on a crate and sing tohimself. He even smiles. My dad is a good man.
I think his greatest fear was burying me. He recounted countless chronicles of dashed potential; young men who looked just like me, talent overflowing like your Thanksgiving dinner plate, vital and vivacious, ready and willing to conquer the earth. He always reminded me of the drive-bys, the stabbings, and robberies gone wrong; bullets shattering the brains of good young men in the wrong place at the wrong time. He went overboard in trying to prevent it. Lucky me, I’m still breathing.
But I hate how these young men get lost in the clouds of administrative selfishness and misplaced sociology. They were lost in juked homicide statistics, a forgotten paragraph in the daily news. They never even make the paper.
Where are the good men?
Some of them you can find within the countless stories of arguments gone bad, young guys wearing clothes that looked too nice, brothers finding interests in the wrong women, men who were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Since 1990, Philly statistics say approximately 1,398 men of African descent have been murdered. And I’m only talking about reported homicides. That number is probably well over 2,000. My point is that everyday; a future husband and father is killed. On a daily basis, our future protectors and providers don’t make it. The fact that women outnumber men is not some cosmic coincidence. God provides enough men for women. Why they are dying so quickly and so young… that is another story I still don’t understand.
Stuff like this really bothers me.
Next – Where are the Good Men? (Part 4)
Part 2 – Leveling Scoff
If you missed Part 1, read away. It's not too long.
Even then, he knew the game was a convoluted concoction; an uptown drink on a sticky summer’s day with no sugar added. Fifteen and floundering, this young black boy with a simple purpose realized his keys weren’t cut right. Dude couldn’t get a girlfriend. He was consistently outdone by fresh trees, guess jeans and polo shirt-wearing dudes flowing in the cherry red Acura Legends. By all accounts, the young man was down on his luck, authorized into the “friend zone,” labeled as a “nice guy.”
Back then, the baddest chicks, shaped like the number 8, with the invisible lip gloss and exotic symmetrical curves rolled with the money men. The brown skin beauties in the neighborhood needed those notes; they required street relevance and cash flow, swag before swag was swag.
His only prayer to God was for a girl… wait… not just for a girl, but to get one before his swansong revolutionized. He knew. He wanted a girl who loved him for him and not for his depreciating items. Someone who wouldn’t pressure his progress, criticize his current, appreciate his potential. Even then, he knew.
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Alright… so maybe that guy was me.
God answered the prayer with a resounding yes. I met my current fiancé when I was a refugee in college. I think I had two pair of shoes then. Almost five years later, I now have three pair! Would I consider myself a good man? Well, I’d certainly like you to think that. But only God and I know the true answer to that. That’s not the point.
The point is – ladies – there are an astounding number of men, real men, who have prayed the same prayer I made 10 years ago. I know. I’ve asked. Just like women want men to get past their Buffie the Body-like booty and Serena Williams sponsored breasts, men hope that your ulterior motive is not for their sparkling diamond chains, their luxury ride, their generous gifts, and their status quo.
Most brothers today are totally invested in the belief that once they “blow up,” women flock like pigeons to bread crumbs. Actually, you don’t even need to “blow up.” Have you ever observed the scene of magnetized women when you pop a bottle in the VIP section of a club? The prettiest chicks will gravitate. Try it! It’s like magic!
The sad thing is, dudes are so hyper-invested, they abuse their status and collect sexual conquests like baseball cards. Why else are we “making it rain so hard?” Why else would 50 want you to have his baby? Why does the married guy with a Master’s make it his hobby to run through the women in your job’s department?
Nevertheless, there are other brothers, successful, hoping and waiting for the right woman to come along. There are ones who do want to marry you, but they’re afraid of being played out. They don’t want to be with you because you think they are on “your level.” Or that they can promise you “riches.” Are you that lady? I'm sure you're not.
In fairness, it’s not easy to ask a black woman to look beyond the present and focus on potential. There are men who have mastered the manipulation technique; they have a B.A. in BS.
But saying things like, “If he’s not on my level I’m not interested,” and “I’m not settling for anything less than these 84 things” are unrealistic endeavors.
I hear today about how many women are holding out for their “Obama.” Actually, the President Obama of “now” was nowhere near Michelle’s “level” when they first got together. She was way ahead of him in several ways. She was his mentor when they first started working together. She was an accomplished Ivy grad with a one-track mind on her career. He was a community organizer looking for his first break.
After they got together, Barack picked her up in his car. And it had a hole in it, so deep you could see the road as he was driving. Oh, and Michelle was an Ivy League grad. In an ABC interview, Michelle said that "Barack didn't pledge riches, only a life that would be interesting. On that promise he's delivered." She was also the principle bread winner for the family for the first several years of the relationship.
But it’s important to remember that if not for that partnership, he wouldn’t be President. There’s a power in partnership that really reinforces a family and marriage. When you look at all the data, people who are in partnerships tend to be happier, they tend to be more successful, they tend to have less stressed overall.
I was a bit ornery last night about the whole “level” thing. Certainly, I think it’s ridiculous to be a six-figure earner and date a part-time temp call center rep. Until I realized that I was once… I was once a part-time temp call center rep. So maybe I should shut up. Finding a good man is no easy thing, but if you look for the right qualities, you can land a dude with a good foundation. Time changes and people change, and with a good core the other things are bound to come together. I’ll leave you with this quote from my Facebook friend Nicki Michelle:
“I do not feel like I should have to settle. I am not saying settle. I am saying open your mind to the possibility of what could be if you take the man as he is and what he may be trying to accomplish. WE have to learn how to support our men.
I am all for a man who has an occupation (no matter the occupation, as long as it's an honest occupation and is not one where he stands on the corner each night in a white tee and blue jeans), takes care of home, loves me for me, is stable in whatever his occupation is, faithful, wants the same things I want, like children and a home, money in the bank, and wants to accomplish more than he has right now to make sure that his children have more than he has. Oh, and he has to be honest.”
Next – Where are the Good Men (Part 3)
And fan me if you haven't yet. It'll be worth it in the future. Not sure how yet, but it will be...
Part 1 - How Did We Get Here? *Avatar Spoiler Alert*
I still don’t know what about the movie Avatar that had my cerebral mind pre-ejaculating with amusement. I was like Jim Levenstein in American Pie. Maybe I’m a bigger nerd than I thought I was. Maybe I just knew it would be a good movie… whatever. All I know is that I proceeded to the “urban” movie theatre directly from the office last Friday. (A first for me) I was so excited I totally forgot about my girl. Yep, just like my “first time.”
So I’m watching a marvelously calculated movie; florescent colors and scintillating screenplay bright enough to burn through my 3-D glasses. In the movie, Neytiri, the main female Avatar (masterfully performed by Zoe Saldana) spends her time training a Jake Sully, a hybrid Avatar (played by Sam Worthington). Of course, the story progressively resonates extraterrestrial sex tension. Finally, in one scene they kill it by – awkwardly – getting it in… in this futuristic forest. I mean, it was passionate, it was plausible… (gulp) it was borderline romantic. And then in passionately feminine furor, Neytiri says something like,
“We are now one before the gods. We are to be together… forever (ever) (ever) (ever) (ever)”
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Total silence.
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Two seconds.
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And then the theatre walls almost came down with an unbelievable amount of laughter. Male laughter. I’m not talking giggles. This was Dave Chappelle Season 1-type hilarity. When I say every guy in that theatre was crackin’ up, they was crackin’ up. Even I, myself couldn’t hold back the inner Obama. I bust out laughing for at least 15 seconds. Glad I went by myself.
No female found that funny though. Come to think of it, the screen probably could have turned upside down with rolling eyes from our reaction. I couldn’t help but wonder what the females thought at that very moment. I had no idea. But I can definitely knew what we the guys were thinking. “Sheeeeeeee gotcha!! Too bad for you! You are now one… Forreeevvvver!” Such is life in the magical forest of sexes.
That story came to mind when I heard ABC News was set to run an investigative report on why so many black women are single in today’s America. And I just can’t wait for that!! But this is the world we currently live in; a seedy space where women wonder if the “good” black men are as foreign as the aliens in the movie. On the cusp of 2010, we’ve entered a dangerous place where fidelity is the atypical. Every man has the opportunity to star in their own HBO Big Love sitcom. Any woman can be cheated on. And any man can get stabbed to death. In a world such as this, can anyone make it out… happy? Does any man want to be with one woman forever? The answer is yes. And the answer is no.
How did we get here? Before they even come close to developing as men, intuitive and interest-driven boys are baptized with media propaganda, and no one intends to bring their heads up from the water. According to Jawanza Kunjufu’s book, “Keepin’ it Real – A Guide for Young Black Children,” the average 18-year old boy will have already seen 25,000 sexual images. And based on how they were raised, they will most likely have a -32 percent probability of getting any type of training for being a husband, father, and provider. You do the math.
There are probably nine million hours of butt-shaking videos on YouTube alone. There are at least 100,000 free porn websites. There’s an oversupply of uninhibited magazines. And don’t forget the music videos, movies, television shows, and raunchy sex songs. I should have invested in the material that makes stretch pants/leggings, because they are being worn at an all time high. Check out a recent top 10 BET 106 & Park songs and tell me how many are about sex:
106 & Park 12/18
December 18th, 2009
10. Robin Thicke - Sex Therapy
9. Maxwell - Bad Habits
8. Diddy/Dirty Money - Love Come Down
7. 50 Cent - Baby By Me
6. Snoop Dogg - Gangsta Luv
5. Mary J Blige - I Am
4. Young Money – Bedrock
3. Chris Brown - Crawl
2. Trey Songz - I Invented (Sex)
1. Alicia Keys - Try Sleeping With a Broken Heart
I counted seven out of 10. And coincidentally, Alicia Keys’ Broken Heart song is number one. (This was too perfect. Thank you, BET. Thank you once again!)
Boys are often not forewarned of the future; they are not told about the gold diggers, that the world lusts their flesh, because ladies of every race are willing to date them, what child support looks like and what it does to their finance sheet. Rarely are males taught the true value of a woman, the value of a marriage, and the consequences involved.
How did we get here? By ignoring the inevitable; boys and girls drowning in media messages and dismissing the simple principles that ultimately hold community together. It's concerning, and the results are laughable.
Next – Where are the Good Men? (Part Two)
