If you missed Part 1, read away. It's not too long.
Even then, he knew the game was a convoluted concoction; an uptown drink on a sticky summer’s day with no sugar added. Fifteen and floundering, this young black boy with a simple purpose realized his keys weren’t cut right. Dude couldn’t get a girlfriend. He was consistently outdone by fresh trees, guess jeans and polo shirt-wearing dudes flowing in the cherry red Acura Legends. By all accounts, the young man was down on his luck, authorized into the “friend zone,” labeled as a “nice guy.”
Back then, the baddest chicks, shaped like the number 8, with the invisible lip gloss and exotic symmetrical curves rolled with the money men. The brown skin beauties in the neighborhood needed those notes; they required street relevance and cash flow, swag before swag was swag.
His only prayer to God was for a girl… wait… not just for a girl, but to get one before his swansong revolutionized. He knew. He wanted a girl who loved him for him and not for his depreciating items. Someone who wouldn’t pressure his progress, criticize his current, appreciate his potential. Even then, he knew.
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Alright… so maybe that guy was me.
God answered the prayer with a resounding yes. I met my current fiancé when I was a refugee in college. I think I had two pair of shoes then. Almost five years later, I now have three pair! Would I consider myself a good man? Well, I’d certainly like you to think that. But only God and I know the true answer to that. That’s not the point.
The point is – ladies – there are an astounding number of men, real men, who have prayed the same prayer I made 10 years ago. I know. I’ve asked. Just like women want men to get past their Buffie the Body-like booty and Serena Williams sponsored breasts, men hope that your ulterior motive is not for their sparkling diamond chains, their luxury ride, their generous gifts, and their status quo.
Most brothers today are totally invested in the belief that once they “blow up,” women flock like pigeons to bread crumbs. Actually, you don’t even need to “blow up.” Have you ever observed the scene of magnetized women when you pop a bottle in the VIP section of a club? The prettiest chicks will gravitate. Try it! It’s like magic!
The sad thing is, dudes are so hyper-invested, they abuse their status and collect sexual conquests like baseball cards. Why else are we “making it rain so hard?” Why else would 50 want you to have his baby? Why does the married guy with a Master’s make it his hobby to run through the women in your job’s department?
Nevertheless, there are other brothers, successful, hoping and waiting for the right woman to come along. There are ones who do want to marry you, but they’re afraid of being played out. They don’t want to be with you because you think they are on “your level.” Or that they can promise you “riches.” Are you that lady? I'm sure you're not.
In fairness, it’s not easy to ask a black woman to look beyond the present and focus on potential. There are men who have mastered the manipulation technique; they have a B.A. in BS.
But saying things like, “If he’s not on my level I’m not interested,” and “I’m not settling for anything less than these 84 things” are unrealistic endeavors.
I hear today about how many women are holding out for their “Obama.” Actually, the President Obama of “now” was nowhere near Michelle’s “level” when they first got together. She was way ahead of him in several ways. She was his mentor when they first started working together. She was an accomplished Ivy grad with a one-track mind on her career. He was a community organizer looking for his first break.
After they got together, Barack picked her up in his car. And it had a hole in it, so deep you could see the road as he was driving. Oh, and Michelle was an Ivy League grad. In an ABC interview, Michelle said that "Barack didn't pledge riches, only a life that would be interesting. On that promise he's delivered." She was also the principle bread winner for the family for the first several years of the relationship.
But it’s important to remember that if not for that partnership, he wouldn’t be President. There’s a power in partnership that really reinforces a family and marriage. When you look at all the data, people who are in partnerships tend to be happier, they tend to be more successful, they tend to have less stressed overall.
I was a bit ornery last night about the whole “level” thing. Certainly, I think it’s ridiculous to be a six-figure earner and date a part-time temp call center rep. Until I realized that I was once… I was once a part-time temp call center rep. So maybe I should shut up. Finding a good man is no easy thing, but if you look for the right qualities, you can land a dude with a good foundation. Time changes and people change, and with a good core the other things are bound to come together. I’ll leave you with this quote from my Facebook friend Nicki Michelle:
“I do not feel like I should have to settle. I am not saying settle. I am saying open your mind to the possibility of what could be if you take the man as he is and what he may be trying to accomplish. WE have to learn how to support our men.
I am all for a man who has an occupation (no matter the occupation, as long as it's an honest occupation and is not one where he stands on the corner each night in a white tee and blue jeans), takes care of home, loves me for me, is stable in whatever his occupation is, faithful, wants the same things I want, like children and a home, money in the bank, and wants to accomplish more than he has right now to make sure that his children have more than he has. Oh, and he has to be honest.”
Next – Where are the Good Men (Part 3)
And fan me if you haven't yet. It'll be worth it in the future. Not sure how yet, but it will be...
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